The Little Rocks That Taught Me I’m Enough

 

Even rocks hold stories. Perhaps we do too. Photo: Tia Lam // Pinterest

 

Trigger/content note: This post touches on themes of self-doubt and overwhelm, but also healing and hope.

One of the most painful feelings to experience is the overwhelming sense that you are not good enough and that you never will be. I understand this feeling all too well - I sat in that echoing darkness for almost my entire life.

I miss the days when I was little and everything seemed simpler. I miss the time spent mostly on just being, rather than the time spent thinking about how I should be so that others would like me. I enjoyed just being a weird child who collected rocks, named them, spoke to them about the tiny, fascinating pieces of the world I experienced each day and treated them like they were my family.

My poor mother feared whenever I took my tiny steps outside because she knew I would return with another rock to add to our home. I think she didn't appreciate the fact that instead of placing all my rocks in a cute box in one room, I scattered them all over the house. Almost every turn you took, you would bump into one of my little rocky friends greeting you with a smile. Not all my rocks were conventionally beautiful, like those gems or crystals that a few others preferred. My sister found it a little strange but adorable that I would involve them as characters whenever we played with our dolls and toys.

She once asked me, “Thudi, what do you actually see in those rocks of yours? You’re always so happy when you find a rock and you go on and on about how cool it is. But I just see a rock, so I don't get what's so cool about it. So yeah, what do you see when you look at your rocks, like Roxy and Potato?”

Then I would simply reply, “Look at Roxy. She looks mean and like a rebel on the outside, but she's really nice on the inside. Oh, and my baby Potato, he's just a sweetie-pie who fights a lot with Roxy, but secretly likes that they are friends. They fight so much, but if ever Potato is sad about something, Roxy always finds a way to make him laugh. They are just so cool, Kgaji!”

Then she would just smile at me weirdly and continue playing the game with me.

It was such a valid question to ask, although I couldn't understand why she asked that. That's when I realised that to a few others, those were just rocks. However, to me, they were much more. I saw something so marvellous in them beyond their rock state. I saw who they are. I saw who they can be. I saw the infinite possibilities of how they can live their little rocky lives joyously.

Maybe that's how God sometimes sees us: seeing the marvellous hearts and souls He spent time carefully creating inside all of us, beyond what people can see on the surface. Beyond what we see in our own selves. Beyond what I see in myself.

Now I am a young adult trying to figure myself out and my place in this huge, scary world - a world swirling with the heavy pressures and expectations of how I should have most things figured out. When people say, “Adulting is the biggest trap ever,” they weren't kidding at all. I still feel like a child struggling to tie my own shoes, yet the world is already expecting me to be running. Then I finally get my takkies on, but I notice that others are running fast, others smoothly, others gracefully and a few others are absolutely flying.

I am walking and it's going okay; however, that chilling feeling crawls up my neck: walking isn't good enough.

Therefore, I try to run fast.

However, I end up moving slower, feeling extremely out of breath - and that's not good enough.

Therefore, I try to move smoothly.

However, I end up tripping over my own two left feet - and that's not good enough.

Therefore, I try to move gracefully.

However, I end up contorting my face awkwardly with my limbs moving stiffly - and that's not good enough.

Therefore, I try to fly.

However, I end up flapping around ferociously until I fall flat, face to the ground - and that's not good enough.

Me, just existing as I am, is not good enough. Even when I explore other avenues, I am still not good enough. I am simply not enough. It floods over me and the drowning commences with all the voices screaming in my head.

However, there comes a point where everything silences, the voices stop raging and I'm able to float. While floating, I look up to see the sun, the sky, the clouds and the trees. Then I take a deep breath and notice the beauty quietly existing around me.

I slowly begin to think to myself that perhaps I am like those rocks I collected. Perhaps there is something marvellous in me beyond what I can see.

Perhaps I am good enough.

Perhaps I am enough.

Perhaps we are all enough.

This is what it is to be human: to feel all the pain of the darkness, despair and negativity that suffocates the light that exists in us all. Don't be mistaken though - I would like to believe that our inner light never dies; it just dims. We just have to be patient and kind to ourselves, and eventually our light will shine again.

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Many hugs, my sunshines! 

Sunflower Child ☀️✿♡